omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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