If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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