There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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