Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
even my farts smell like vagina
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
