the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
