nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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