just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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