fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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