you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
