dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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