so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's blow job season.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize