I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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