Cold hands, warm shart.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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