just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize