A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
