About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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