Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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