yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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