I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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