finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
