I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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