Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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