My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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