i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
