I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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