if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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