listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
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