I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
