life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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