Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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