Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
