Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
