Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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