I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
