I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
