maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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