you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
