A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
