I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
