he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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