I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize