I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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