Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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