They should really pass out barf bags in church
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
