So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize