My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
