You work out of a Hotel?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
