the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
