my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
