I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
