Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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