maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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