Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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