if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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